Riding on the wings of a Butterfly!

It was just one of those days when I am not my usual self, inclined towards the mystic, the enigmatic, with a strong urge to reflect upon my life, specifically upon events and instances which have had a significant impact on my life and had been making me feel restless lately. I had numerous questions, the answers to which I wanted to know to subdue the turmoil I was going through, owing to some circumstances I had put myself into a long time ago, some choices I had made, and based on which I had envisioned my life hoping things would happen in line with those dreams. But then I made some minor adjustments, some seemingly insignificant choices and yet hoped that things might still work out at least, if not in the best of way. It didn’t take long for life to take a turn and certain things happened, things which I had no control over, and they in a way made me feel like a helpless spectator.

Thinking about how life would have been had I not made those choices or maybe things had gone the way I had envisioned, I plunged into the realms of higher thinking, initiating an impromptu conversation with myself, hoping to unravel the thoughts which had been on my mind for some time. Not getting satisfactory answers I wandered further and somehow got reminded of a movie I watched during my undergraduate studies, “The Butterfly effect”, which I had not quite cherished then but the movie had provided enough food for thought. The movie revolved around the protagonist who reads the journals he had written as a youngster and then tries to change small things in the past to “fix” the current present and every time he returns, he finds himself in an entirely different situation, a future unintended and unimaginable, and all because of the side effects of actions, his and those of others involved.

Every small action has the potential to initiate a series of chain reactions, which in turn lead to other reactions, similar to a Domino effect, but in this case the outcomes are amplified. It is believed that the flapping of the wings of a small butterfly in one part of the globe can lead to a tornado in another part, a phenomenon which is called the Butterfly effect. The concept basically highlights the fact that even small actions can have unimaginable results, exhibiting a high sensitivity to initial conditions.
It also in a way reaffirms the belief that our karma influences our future and in a way determines our destiny. Just as the smallest stroke we make on a canvas, the finished painting can be significantly affected by it, and just like our karma, the stroke cannot be undone, and yet we can still try to utilize the stroke to somehow assist us in enhancing the beauty of the final picture, make it favorable for our self and for others, and allow us to attain our goals and fulfill our purpose in life.

I was able to relate to the concept, to the chaos theory which weaves into our lives every moment and binds seemingly insignificant things seamlessly into our course of life. I re-reflected on the thoughts, on how things had turned out in the recent past, and how certain things which have been affecting and will further influence my future, and the path I should follow to re-align my goals and actions in line with what now appears to be my purpose in life.

I feel that we live our life in a microcosmic container, filled with energy sources, of different shapes and sizes, with random trajectories and behaviors, yet each source, however small it may be, can alter the course of another source. Such microcosmic systems are part of a bigger container, which we call the universe and the sources from each system, have the power to significantly affect things of the bigger order.
We humans, the diminutive energy sources inhabiting the earth which itself forms part of a massive universe the most parts of which are oblivious to us, form a symbiotic system where our actions affect and are affected by people closely intertwined in our lives, and at times even by those we have never or will never come across.

Right from the minute we are born, we do things which affect our life and also that of those around us. We grow up; learn things from others or out of our own experience, making choices every second. We breathe for we choose to live; we live for we have a purpose in life, a role to play, before the system recycles our energy source by destroying it and recreating it in some other form, maintaining the balance in the system. What we do in our life span, how significantly we can affect the behavior of a bigger system and what mark we are able to leave behind, is all up to us, as individuals and as a community.


In short we drive our destiny which in turn dynamically changes form, with every thought and action of ours. It takes courage and persistent effort to venture into the unknown, to face resistance and travel a path we want to follow and leave a trail, otherwise we can just choose to be a part of the system, covering our journey with little or no impact on anything, except for the minute disturbance created by our momentary existence in the system, our life being dictated randomly by events and actions of the particles around us.

Coming back to the initial thought, I could visualize certain events in life which have had a significant impact on my life, and will continue to affect my life, till the end of my journey, for what has been already done, cannot be undone and the disturbance in the energy field will slowly dissipate in time and space, yet the effect will remain. I felt that I have been committing a lot of mistakes, or maybe have been taking decisions, which looking back now appear mistakes, things which I could have done or not done, and life might have been better now or in the future, which seems more distant and turbid than before. Or probably, as humans naturally are, I was focusing more on things that went bad, and not things that happened for good.

Small thoughts such as, what if I had not taken up the synthesizer classes and had learnt playing the guitar instead, or had gathered courage to talk to the girl I fancied once, to relatively big concerns such as had I chosen a different college or domain of study, had I decided to switch a job earlier, or taken up some opportunity that I didn't explore fearing risk, etc., plagued my mind, and then there were events which I feel I had no control over, and yet these events had had affected my journey to a large extent.

There are enormous possibilities attached to each action I could think of, for example, what if I had studied more for the exam and not gone out for a party with friends, what if I had changed the school when I decided not to, all these are small instances, which could have possibly altered the course of my life, could have put me in a different situation, could have brought me closer to certain individuals and kept me far from certain others.

I wish I could change some of it, but alas, it is a mere wish, a mere whim of a mortal. Besides, I cannot change anything in the past if I wanted to, even by travelling back in time, as the disturbance in the time space continuum will lead to a paradox for if I could change things in the past, the future, which is now the present will not have been the same, and hence I would not have been able to travel back in time in the first place!

Every now and then, I feel that the course of my life is now stable and I can safely visualize it, at least a few years down the line, and yet, the next instance, things change, seemingly in line with Murphy’s law most of the time, proving yet again that we are a part of a system, whose inherent characteristic is perpetual turmoil. But I believe that if we are able to resist sufficiently and persist, we can possibly have the impact we desire. With this belief I wandered deeper into the realms of chaos, thinking about the What If(s), the But(s) and the What Next(s), taking cues from my journey so far, but I could not reach a conclusion. I could just think of some options, the possible outcome of certain choices that I could make, and yet, the future lay just as obscure as it was before. For, whatever I may visualize, a butterfly flapping its wings somewhere could change it the very next moment.

I decided to stay open to what I may come across in the near future, yet be prepared to face resistance, to be flexible to adapt to the changes which are the consequence of the disturbance created by myself and also by others, and try to continue my journey, the way I see it. I can hear the wings flapping in the distance, and I wonder how and when it would impact my life again, what further chaos I would find myself in, and the thought of it all generates fear. Yet some hope remains, and I just wish that I have more strength to withstand the turmoil, that I am able to continue my quest for happiness, for knowledge, and for life, the way I want it to be. The silence needs to be broken; the effect of the flapping of the wings of the butterfly needs to be subdued. I have to make my presence felt across the system and have to leave a positive mark on it.

Suddenly, the conversation ends abruptly. Silence prevails, yet the turmoil persists. I fall asleep, as always, falling prey to the wicked devices of nature and dream on in the mystic world to wake up again in the chaotic world, hoping to conquer the random, the unknown and also the known, some day.